Global On Magazine: April 2010

Who have you always wanted to meet face to face and why?

Wicked Wednesday

I'm feeling particularly wicked today. For those sarcastic moments when you need just the right insult ...

Do you want some cheese with that whine?

I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

A PBS mind in an MTV world.

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

South Africa: where the pizza arrives before the police.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup and heels.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

An office is just a padded cell without a door.

Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realise you haven't fallen asleep yet.

Can I swap this job for what's behind door number 1?

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

Murphy's Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.

Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

Chaos, panic and disorder -- my work here is done.

I plead contemporary insanity.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

Meandering to a different drummer.

Kiss me to fiercelyHold me to tightI need help believingYou're with me tonightMy wildest dreamingscould not foreseeLying beside you With you wanting me[CHORUS]Just for this moment As long as you're mineI've lost all resistanceand crossed some borderlineAnd if it turns out It's over too fast I'll make every last moment lastas long as you're mine. Fiyero:Maybe I'm brainlessMaybe I'm wisebut you've got me seeingthrough different eyesSomehow I've fallen Under your spellAnd somehow i'm feelingIt's up that i fellBoth:Every momentAs long as you'er mine I'll wake up my body and make up for lost timeFiyero:Say there's no futurefor us as a pairBoth: And though I may knowI don't careJust for this moment As long as you're mineCome be how you want to And see how bright we shineBorrow the moonlightuntil it is throughAnd know I'll be here holding youAs long as you're mine

Happy Freedom Day

Freedom Day is an annual celebration of South Africa's first non-racial democratic elections of 1994. Peace, unity, the preservation and the restoration of human dignity hallmarks Freedom Day celebrations on the 27th of April of each year.The road to democracy was a long and difficult one. And so were teh queues back in 1994. I stood in line for 5 hours to put my mark on a piece of paper. The mood was jovial, the atmosphere full of hope for the future. Blacks and whites together, making a change for their country - together!South Africans are "One people with one destiny". It is therefore imperative for South Africans of diverse political and economic backgrounds to work towards a common objective. On Freedom Day we celebrate the relentless efforts of those who fought for liberation, of the many men and women who took up arms and courted imprisonment, bannings and torture on behalf of the oppressed masses.However "Are we really free when our people remain poor, when there is mass unemployment, unwarranted violence and crime"? Freedom should mean emancipation from poverty, unemployment, racism, sexism and other forms of discrimination- but poverty continues to exist, with black people, women, children, the disabled and the elderly. "We need to continue to work to eradicate poverty, racial inequalities and socio-economic disparities," Freedom Day means something very valuable, the necessary condition for us to achieve the vital and fundamental objective of a better life for all.On Freedom Day, we commit ourselves to ensuring the defence of the sacred freedoms that we had won as a result of a long, difficult and costly struggle. We remind ourselves that the guarantee of these freedoms requires permanent vigilance. It should be our pledge to devote ourselves to continue to work to wipe out the legacy of racism in our country. We need to ensure that all our people enjoy these freedoms not merely as theoretical rights but they must form the daily life experience of all South Africans.

Girls Day

My New Toy!

Ice Skating at Festival Mall

Why I love Being A Mum

1) NUDITY I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!' 2) OPINIONS On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.' 3) KETCHUP A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.' 4) MORE NUDITY A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?' 5) POLICE # 1 While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?' 6) POLICE # 2It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.'It sure is,' I replied.Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?' 7) ELDERLYWhile working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers & wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'8) DRESS-UPA little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.''And why not, darling?''You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'9) DEATHWhile walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)10) SCHOOLA little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother.. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'11) BIBLE (I love this one)A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.'What have you got there, dear?'With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'

55 Friday

And you thought the French were bad drivers!

Here are some hard and fast rules for surviving driving in South Africa during the 2010 Soccer World Cup.

1. Never indicate - this will give away your next move. A real South African driver never uses them.2. Under no circumstance should you leave a safe distance between youand the car in front of you, this space will be filled by at least 2 taxis and a BMW, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.3. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.4. Never, ever come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will only result in you being rear-ended or hi-jacked.5. Braking is to be done as hard and as late as possible to ensure that your ABS and EBD kicks in, giving you a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.6. Never pass on the right when you can pass on the left. It's a good way to check if the people entering the highway are awake.7. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as a guideline. They are especially not applicable in South Africa during rush hour. That's why it's called 'rush hour....'8. Just because you're in the right lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a South African driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.9. Always slow down and rubber-neck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tyre. Never stop to help - you WILL be mugged.10. Learn to swerve abruptly. South Africa is the home of the high-speed slalom driving thanks to the government, which puts holes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keeps them on their toes.11. It is traditional to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light turns green. This prevents storks from building nests on top of the traffic lights and birds from making a shit on your car.12. Remember that the goal of every South African driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.13. On average, at least three cars can still go through an intersection after the light has turned red. It's people not adhering to this basic principle that causes the big traffic jams during rush hour.Now guys go out there today and make South Africa proud!!!

A few Blog Awards that I'm dishing out

The Twins Turn Two

I Got to Print - again!

MuthaFuckin Suspected Brain Tumor

On Sunday night I woke up at 1am with the worst chronic pain ever!

It felt like someone was jamming a very pointy rusty nail deep into the root of one of my teeth. The entire right side of my face hurt and the pain shot up into my head and deep down into my jaw bone.

I was in total agony!

After moaning like an dying old fucking cow and pacing up and down the passage clutching my face, I managed to find some Synap Forte that I had left over from a surgery I had about a year ago. I popped two immediately. It look a while for them to kick in - it was the worst and longest 40 minutes ever...

I held my face tight with both hands and rocked myself back and forward, sobbing like a heart-broken child. Why does applying pressure to a painful area seem to soothe it? Nothing would take this kind of pain away...

I was contemplating finding my Boerewors' tool box and using his rusty pliers to rip that muthafuckin-piece-of-shit-tooth out by myself! I was actually thinking about doing a "Worzel Gummidge" and ripping my own damn head off! I have never experienced such stabbing pain. Never!

Fuck it! I would even go through natural childbirth TWICE rather than go through that pain. It was actually blinding - undescribable agony.

My Boerewors tried to help - bless him - by applying a hot face cloth to the area, he even suggested we go to the ER. He said he's never seen me in such pain. Thanx to the drugs, I eventually fell asleep and apparently I was talking gobbledy goop in my sleep, completely delirious - the drugs were obviously good shit.

On Monday morning when I woke up, I popped another two Synap Forte (my new Best Friend just by the way) and I dragged myself to work. I made an emergency appointment with my Dentist. He squeezed me in and took a panorama x-ray of my aching face. His diagnosis? An abscess! You tell me - how the fuck can an infection cause such awesome pain??

No seriously! Surley I at least have a fucking brain tumor the size of a large pumpkin to explain the pain I experienced?

So anyhoo, I walked around dazed and drugged at work the entire day on Monday and of course everyone suggested and offered various toothache home remedies from whiskey, rescue remedy and making a poltus paste with paracetamol and anesthetic cream and applying it straight onto the throbbing area.

I was hearing nothing of it! I had My New Best Friend - Synap Forte!

So, bottom line, I'm on a pretty heavy doze of penicillin antibiotics (two HUGE horse pills), anti-inflammatory, inter flora and My New Best Friends aka Synap Forte three times a day.

As you can imagine, I now have minimal pain with my prescription drugs but I'm flying high in a completely different planet. Its a weird feeling but oh so nice...

Wish me luck for Root Canal next week, when my infection has hopefully cleared up and the Dentist can actually come into contact with my tooth with his wee pointy instrument.

Urgh! More Synap Forte please!

Or can someone source these Cocaine Toothache Drops. They do claim instantaneous cure - for only 15 cents! Fucking Bargain!

Global On Magazine

Fancy a Big Breakfast?

55 Friday

Who have you always wanted to meet face to face and why?

Jack Bruce

Whack-a-Doodle Internet

Wicked Wednesday

Happy Freedom Day

Girls Day

My New Toy!

Ice Skating at Festival Mall

Why I love Being A Mum

55 Friday

And you thought the French were bad drivers!

A few Blog Awards that I'm dishing out

The Twins Turn Two

I Got to Print - again!

MuthaFuckin Suspected Brain Tumor

He's Stuck!!!

Evening Away

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